Welcome to Sensitive With an Edge for highly sensitive people who embrace their intensity, uniqueness, and value in this world. Join us on the exploration of relationships,
complex trauma recovery, non -conventional mindsets, neurodiversity, and themes that involve healing, growth, and empowerment. Hi,
I'm Chris Lyon, and welcome to episode 10 of this short cast that is easily digestible for those of you who are sensitive with an edge, and you know who you are.
Right now, we're at part three of dating and relationships. And I want to reintroduce my co -host, Robin. Hi, Robin. Hi, Chris. Hi, everyone. Nice to be back and really looking forward to hearing about dating relationships with episode 10.
Yes, we're going to go deep with the relationship talk. So how about you talk a little bit about what we'll be covering today? Of course. We'll be hearing about the following, everyone. The one magical,
powerful secret weapon that conquers relationship right down. And I guarantee this will improve most of your connections with others on the spot.
Plus, you'll hear about the four horsemen of the apocalypse of a relationship. Yeah, and we'll add a palatable and motivating offer for you at the end. Ooh,
how exciting. Yes. First, we're going to start with the secret weapon that you use against relationship destruction. Not only that, this is a beautiful tool to help make amazing things happen within your relationships.
And they happen in real time. So you just can't lose with this. This word starts with an A, the first letter of the alphabet. And that should remind you that it's important to use it first at the beginning of a conversation.
So let's remember that. Okay. Now, many people bypass this and later they regret it. If this were used more, this one tool, we'd have less conflict,
less animosity, less breakups, and less divorces. Wow. Wow, that's impressive. Pretty huge, but there's more. This magic tool literally prompts an instant physiological response in the person that you're addressing.
I've seen this thousands of times with my own eyes and every single time it's amazing. Two things happen. When you use this tool, the other person listens intensely.
Suddenly, you have their attention, and they do so calmly. I shared this with literally tens of thousands of clients, followers, and readers, and the results just have been amazing.
So what I'm about to talk about is how important it is to develop the muscle memory to use the single element that builds and maintains connections and mitigates misunderstanding and conflict the most.
This one word holds more power than any other word in all the relationship work I've done with clients over my entire career. I'll explain why and how to use it effectively. So I hope I've enunciated this enough.
The word is acknowledgement. Now, I'll tell you how I found out the power of acknowledgement when I was very young, a bit later. But I strongly suggest that people start out with acknowledgement toward the other person and that it's genuine,
even though you don't need to be in agreement with them. You don't need to agree with someone to acknowledge them. Now, as far as using acknowledgement first, most people are not wired this way. I get it.
You're wired to come from your own feelings in position to really make sure the other person understands. You're leading with that, right? But those things that you want them to know, they're not just received or considered as well by the other party.
They're not. But they get much better received when you use acknowledgement first right out of the gate. Chris, can you give some examples of what this looks like?
Sure. It's easy to do. Acknowledgement's really easy to do. But a lot of people don't like to do it because they feel like they're agreeing with the other person, which you're not. You don't have to. And it also takes a while to become a habit.
Now, when you use it and you see someone's response, it will encourage you to make sure this is a tool that is regularly used. So before a conversation, before you share your issue,
complaint or concern, right? You just come to them and you say, hey, I appreciate you asking me how I felt earlier. or thank you for sitting down to talk with me or I know it's important to you that I share my feelings.
I noticed how helpful you were to me today. I'm grateful for how patient you were when we spoke about this last time. I do understand that you are feeling upset about this situation.
All of that is acknowledgement and all of it starts being about them. Chris, those are really helpful. I do have another question about acknowledgement. So if you were in a conversation with somebody earlier and they were getting upset during the conversation because of something that you might have done or might have said,
can you begin the conversation when you visited with the acknowledgement of, I saw that you were upset earlier and I'm sorry that happened. Can we discuss this more in a different way?
Absolutely. That's a really healthy thing to say. When you are kind of like coming together again, you definitely want to start with acknowledgement. So saying that you're acknowledging that someone feels badly,
that they were upset, that they felt hurt any of that. That's a great lead in. And it's got to be authentic. And you're telling them, I see how you feel. I get it.
I get that you felt this way. So you can, you can bring up that they were upset earlier. Absolutely. As a form of acknowledgement. Absolutely. 100%.
I understand you were concerned. I understand that you were hurt. I do understand that you were really upset. I get it. And I'm sorry that you were upset. You can even say, I'm sorry you were upset or I'm sorry that you had to be so concerned or hurt.
Those are all, that's beautiful. That's a great way. Right? That's like bridging the conversation where both of you can come together in one place into agreement.
Using acknowledgement during the conversation, actually in real time, is another story. This should be, and you can do this any time, but during these times especially,
it needs to be detailed. When you're approaching someone, sure, you make sure you're detailed. But it's got to be detailed when you're in the conversation, I had a client who had a real estate brokerage and her staff was often unhappy.
And she wasn't mean to them. But when they'd be having conversations together, she didn't often acknowledge or validate the value of their efforts. You know, she was happy with when she was talking with them saying,
good job once in a while, right? Now I asked her, listen, you've gotten out of an abusive marriage, a long time abusive You lost a hundred pounds. You've gotten healthier than ever in your entire adult life.
Would you want to hear good job from someone that you're talking about this with, who was key in your life? Or would you rather hear, in a conversation with them, you've worked so hard and have overcome so much,
you look vibrant and amazing. The latter. Yeah, she chose the latter. Yes. So then she began to tell her staff members how much time they saved her when they got into conversations about productivity and what happened through the day.
You saved time for all of us. It was helpful then you went above and beyond for the clients because now, you know, that helps impress them and builds trust. She explained to them in these conversations how their work was valued.
She was acknowledging and validating them. So especially when someone has just shared how they feel about the situation, It's important to acknowledge them in detail. Now, why detail? So they feel heard and understood.
If you do it really quickly, it doesn't do it. This has the best chance to lead to more understanding, then some agreement and cooperation. You get your resolution, and it's a win -win for both.
Here are some examples of how you can be detailed with acknowledgement in the conversation. I hear you and understand that you feel you've been putting in more effort lately and it seems like i haven't noticed start with that they will be listening okay another is what i'm hearing is that you're feeling hopeless about our situation and have been trying to tell me for a while that must have been very difficult for you
acknowledging what they've been going through how they're feeling i still didn't have to agree if i if i disagree i understand that you felt discouraged because you've been doing more around the house unusual,
and things are still piling up. This will bring agreeable energy to the table, or it will prompt clarity from the other person. Is there a way that people try to acknowledge and it becomes a problem?
Yes. There are a few ways it can go wrong. Don't ever acknowledge someone in a passive -aggressive way to insert a little dig. Oh, yeah, I know you got upset,
of course, just like last time. Yeah, no, completely counterproductive. Okay. Now, what a lot of people don't realize is, I don't think it's productive to say to someone, I hear what you're saying,
especially in this back and forth that's going more at a fast pace, right? What I hear what you're saying can translate to is, yeah,
I heard that you said something, now I'm going to speak. That's, yeah, don't do that. Be detailed. So, acknowledgement can be used to regulate someone or to help them calm down and to de -escalate the situation.
However, sometimes if the person is not regulated, it may not have as much of an effect. This can happen. Give them time to get more regulated. What do you mean by regulated?
Well, if their heartbeat is beating fast, they have stress hormones that are being flooded into their body, they're getting emotionally flooded, right? It's a physiological effect.
And they're not going to be able to think as cognitively. They may say or do things that they'll regret. You want to kind of take a break. You want to create space and give some time so both people can calm down.
Again, when you acknowledge someone, you don't have to agree with them. You're merely acknowledging their position, feelings, and were their experience. And there's so much power in this. I'm going to be very specific,
why. Everyone's favorite and most familiar subject is themselves. You will have their instant attention in a positive way. They're less likely to have their guard up, to get flooded,
to get dysregulated. And they'll be more open to listening to you and really hearing you and since you showed a willingness to address them accurately and thoughtfully they'll be more likely to do so as well it's magic better mutual understanding and connection that's a win -win what would be the process to remember good question learn different ways to acknowledge just think what you would want to hear So it's actually
easy to do. But I'll give you the three steps. Number one, use it first. Remember, it's the opener. Number two, be detailed. Number three, listen for clarity and even ask for clarity if needed.
Meaning ask for clarity of the person you're acknowledging. Well, if you're acknowledging them and they look like you're confused or they look like what you're saying is not correct, then you want to say,
Oh, so is that true? Or is that what I'm understanding? Right. Okay. So you could say something like what I think is going on is this X,
Y, and Z or what I see is X, Y, and Z? Is that true? You can do that. If it's that kind of an environment, if it's that kind of a safe space you've created where you're acknowledging them and you're talking about them in a way that is understanding,
if there is something to clarify, they'll probably feel more safe. They'll probably more likely to let you know that, okay, well, the first two things you said yes, but the third thing,
no, I'm really not angry. I'm just, you know, I'm just hurt. Or they'll be able to tell you how they're really feeling or where they're really coming from. They'll be able to give you that clarity.
That is gold. That is just important information for you to have. You want that. Okay, I understand. Now, I promise, here's how I found out about the power of acknowledgement early on.
I use this personally. So trigger warning, childhood trauma. My mother would be the epitome of the Tasmanian devil when she got angry. I guess you can put it that way.
She didn't look like that, but that's how she could act. And this was way too often. When she got in a bad place, there was usually no way to stop her. One day, she was in a bad mood,
and she had already started yelling in the tone that you know there would be more to come. She was furious and going at us about not doing all of our chores. There was always something much more going on with her than just things like that.
She was not happy. And she was also getting ready to go somewhere. Well, I thought, okay, what can I do here? I thought I would try something different. So she was doing her hair with the bathroom door open,
and I walked down the hallway. I walked right to the doorway, and I told her that I know she's upset, that I didn't do my work, and I'm sorry. Complete and total silence.
She was stunned. No more yelling, no more reactivity. And I walked away. Wow. I'm blown away.
It really worked. The impending crisis, if you will, had been mitigated, very powerful. From then on, I decided not to do this in a dishonest way in the future.
And it wasn't really completely dishonest, but I decided not to do that. So I didn't do it again unless I meant it. And over the years, acknowledgement became second nature for me in my work with my clients and in my relationships.
So my clients get that, I understand, and they feel heard. And I absolutely make that top priority from the beginning. Then the healing can go into a new level. Now,
I've used this myself with couples to see instant transformation of a hurt, misunderstood individual. I've taught couples to use this in real time, many, many times.
And it has restructured the communication and the environment from angry and hopeless to open and connected. And when you do this over and over, it builds trust.
Like I said, you can't lose with this. It's truly magical. We'd love to hear from listeners about their results from using acknowledgement. For sure, for sure.
Let us know how this works for you. Plus, if you have any questions, we'd love to address those. Now, let's talk about four elements that can cause the most damage in relationships.
Let's switch gears here. I've seen this reflected in my practice with couples as well. Relationship researcher and expert Dr. John Gottman has come up with what he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,
which is a metaphor, to describe the communication styles that according to his research can predict the end of a relationship. So if any of these happen often in your relationship,
it could be very telling of the high chance of it ending. See if you can relate. Yeah. See if you can relate to any of these from present or past relationships. And keep in mind that everyone has done them at one time or another.
Okay. Okay. So if you've done a little bit of these a little bit here and there that doesn't mean that it's all bad it doesn't mean it's all bad but it's good to take note of it and try to eliminate it from the diet understood okay number one is criticism that's easily defined it's it's an attack on someone's character it's addressing specific behavior aiming at your partner's personality it's mean it's what's happening
generally when someone is saying you never or you always do something you're bad at this you're missing this chip etc you never try to understand me this will often be met with defensiveness and blame complaining is different complaining is another animal it can be healthy it can be a good way to express concerns or frustration about an issue if you refrain from complaining it can build resentment So criticism is
different from a complaint. Issuing complaints is a normal and healthy way of communicating frustrations within a relationship. If no one is complaining, then silent resentment can build over time.
So don't avoid that part. But instead of saying, you always ignore me during the day, it's obvious you don't care. Ouch. You can say, when I don't hear from you during the day,
it hurts my feelings. and it makes me concern that you don't care enough about me to communicate. I need to hear from you more. That would be an example of what John Gottman calls a gentle startup as an alternative to criticism.
Then the next one is defensiveness, attempting to defend yourself when approached by your partner regarding their complaint or their concern. Here are some examples.
It's denying, over -explanning, counter -criticizing, or just coming from a victim mentality. Yes, I'm always the one at fault. You do nothing wrong, that kind of thing. There's so many different ways to be defensive.
But being defensive disconnects and rerout the issue or complaint that a partner approaches you about. And this can lead to any and all of the other horsemen.
I often say that when someone approaches someone about an issue. And that person's response is defensiveness that, you know, I understand this can be from being judged,
accused, and shamed in the past, you know, unlikely in ways that cause trauma, yet keep in mind that it switches the topic from being about the person who initiated the topic to the person who was approached.
Think about your partner blowing up a big, bright balloon that they want to present you with. They really want you to pay attention to it. When they bring it to you, you take a pin and you pop it.
Then you expect them to be fine with that. Yeah. No. Don't think so. No. Not nice. So instead of being defensive, here's a better alternative.
And this is where acknowledgement comes in. Make it detailed. Not like I hear what you're saying, but I understand that you feel hurt because I was talking about myself and didn't ask you how your big day went.
And when you do that, they'll feel more understood. They'll feel open to hearing you or it will give an opportunity to clarify feelings. Then take responsibility for your part. I should have asked you about your big day first. And here's a pro tip.
Take fuller responsibility by saying next time you have a big deal happening at work, I'll make a special effort to ask you how it went i like the future pacing thing because people love that that helps a lot with resolution and moving forward in a good way now back to the person who didn't hear from their partner during the time they were apart instead of you know i'm busy when i'm there right you know i'm busy
the helpful response would be i understand it hurt your feelings when you don't hear from me all day i could have texted and explain that I was busy. Even if I'm busy,
I'll take a moment or two to check in with you because I do care about and appreciate you. Boom. Then you could explain what was going on with your day after you acknowledge and take that responsibility. That just was,
what, three sentences and you're pretty gold. I think, though, it might happen with people and this has happened to me personally, is you kind of don't know what to say and you I want to say the wrong thing.
Sure. And in the past, you've said the wrong thing and someone was reacted. The wrong thing was almost never acknowledging them, their experience,
their pain, they're hurt. Yes, I understand what you're saying. But what if they're dealing with someone who has personality of a narcissist or some of some of the criteria of a narcissist or somebody who has the criteria of underlying personality?
line personality. I'm saying they are. I'm just saying they have some of those traits. We're saying this as a rule and there are exceptions to the rule. So keep that in mind. People who are narcissistic will not be mad when you acknowledge them.
They won't. They want validation. People with personality disorders, it depends where they're at at that time. Right. If they're disregulated, that may be tough. Then it may be time to say,
hey, let's go cool down take a break okay but you know what as a rule taking responsibility is a really powerful way to bring resolution to the situation to help somebody i help mitigate the hurt that's been done and to help build trust i mean if the person is dysregulated there's not much you can say or do at the time to help things get healthier.
Yeah. And remember, whether you take responsibility or not, if you don't use defensiveness, you can use acknowledgement. And you can explain yourself after you acknowledge and or take responsibility.
Good stuff. So the next one is contempt. This is no surprise or shouldn't be any surprise to anyone. Contempt is making a demeaning statement that utilizes shame and sarcasm can be even more than that.
Expressing bitterness toward a partner, mocking them, name -calling, even eye -rolling can be contempt. Now, this can be so serious that Gottman calls it sulfuric acid for a relationship.
Sounds lovely. And this often happens when people build up resentment because the issue doesn't get properly addressed or resolved. Contempt can also be abuse toward a partner.
As we said earlier, if you're having a regulation issue and you're going to react with contempt, interrupt it with something, such as saying something positive that you need a break, and you'll come back to discuss and talk about how you feel.
Do something to regulate during that break. And always, always go back to the body. Don't ignore checking in with your body and the tense areas of your body.
If they did something to piss you off, consider it may not even have been about you, but it could be instead an issue that they have to work on or deal with. Work to build as a couple,
an environment of appreciation. You're a team, and together you can feed your relationship with appreciation, praise, compassion, and joy. And I've said before, if you're not feeding your relationship,
it will starve. Now, some people I have learned contempt throughout childhood. I sure did. And it's vital to remove exchanges of contempt from your relationship. This may not be easy.
It may not be overnight, but it is crucial to a healthy relationship. Contempt, no good. The last one is stonewalling, and this is withdrawing from the conversation or your partner instead of working toward a resolution.
One way would be the silent treatment. Now don't be confused. The silent treatment is one partner for one reason or another forcing the issue to be cut off and even the partner to be cut off from communication instead of working this out.
It's clearly not consensual. And the silent treatment can be a selfish power play. It's often considered abusive and it's used to punish. But let's look at stonewalling overall.
The person who's stonewalling may be in such emotional distress, then it can create that flooding that we talked about earlier. They may feel threatened in some way, so they may go into fight or flight mode.
They're not able to have a productive conversation. Some people don't want to do or say something that they won't be able to undo. So while it feels like crap, it's their reaction,
don't take it personally. There's something going on with them. Now, here's something interesting. Gottman's team had couples take a break after 15 minutes of arguing. Now, they told the couples,
we're just adjusting our equipment. And they asked the couples not to continue to talk about their issue. They waited and read magazines for half an hour. So when the couples started again,
their heart rates were lower and the conversation was calmer and more productive. Shocker. So what can people do on their own to avoid stonewalling?
Good question. Well, I've created three steps to use when conversations become too difficult. When you feel the stress build up in your body, or you feel that things are escalating due to emotional overwhelm,
number one, say something nice or positive. And it could be, hey, I really love you, or I really do want to hear what you have to say. Or even, I really want to resolve this with you.
Anything positive, right? Make sure you say that first because when couples shortcut and they leave that out, doesn't go so well. Say something positive. Number two,
explain that you need a momentary break or suggest taking a break to process or to go breathe. So take that break and don't do it in a way where you're Stonewalling.
Number three, both of you agree on a time to meet and both of you show up to continue the discussion more calmly. And of course, this helps you both regulate. This is what you do instead of stonewalling.
It's the three steps you use for difficult conversations. Work on your regulation when you're taking that break, walk around, breathe deep breaths out. It helps your body calm down,
deeper breaths out, loosen up the tense areas in your body and spend some time to think about what you need and what you think they're needing okay so what you need and what you think they need then when you come back together just realize that it may take several conversations to get resolution but you keep at it right this process builds trust and cooperation as a team instead of being one of the four horsemen.
Now, as someone rarely seems ready to talk, it may be time to find an effective facilitator. Seriously, if that doesn't work, or if they're refusing to do that,
you may want to reevaluate their relationship. Just about all of us have used the four horsemen at some point, being aware of them and putting healthy skills into place, can feed and strengthen the relationship with that honesty,
vulnerability, and trust instead of being a predictable factor for ending the relationship. Now, keep in mind that many issues between people and even for yourself often have to do with emotional and nervous system regulation,
one or both of those. And next time, we'll have part four of dating in relationships, since you all have such big hearts, we'll keep it going. We'll also share answers that listeners and followers gave to two out of three of our relationship questions.
We already covered one. And I'll be sharing some of my insights. We'll also be addressing blame, shame, and gaslighting in relationships. And usually we have a question and answer section here,
but we'll beef up on that next time. And this time we have something else special for you. You want to do the honors. Yes, I'd love to. The person who shares this podcast link on their social media this month and the post that gets the most views will get a $100 gift card for Amazon from us.
Awesome. That sounds like fun and it sounds kind of easy for some of you. You can do this. Yeah, I was going to say that's an easy $100 gift card to get. Also, anyone who rates and writes a review of Sensitive with an Edge,
we'll get our appreciation and a shout out in the next two episodes. Yes, just send us screen caps of your review or send us the link to your social media post or story with a screen cap of number of views.
Let's get this out to more people who are sensitive with an edge. Okay? And let me help you get you unstuck. We have a special offer for DS partners who join the empowered sensitive membership during this month of August.
Go to the link below to find out more and get instant access. So that's very exciting. That's the only way you can get this event replay right now is through the membership. If you are ready to get unstuck.
So we'd love to have you there. That's it for episode 10. And from those of us at Sensitive with an Edge, we want to say, thank you. We're listening. Sensitive with an Edge is a podcast created by Chris M.
Lyon for highly sensitive people seeking relatable and practical insights. While the content is designed to be informative and supportive, it is not intended as medical or clinical advice.
Listeners are encouraged to determine their own sensitivity level and consult with a healthcare professional if needed. Use and opinions expressed in this podcast are based on the knowledge and experience of the host and guests and do not necessarily reflect those of any affiliated organizations or individuals.
