Welcome to Sensitive with an Edge for highly sensitive people who embrace their intensity, uniqueness, and value in this world. Join us on the exploration of relationships,
complex trauma recovery, non -conventional mindsets, neurodiversity, and themes that involve healing, growth, and empowerment. Hi,
it's Chris. This is part two of my eye -opening relationship series. I share what I've learned about relationships for sensitive people after nearly a quarter of a century of my work as a coach,
facilitator, and author who has passionately helped people work in their relationships and healing. There are aha moments, things you may want to change, and valuable reminders,
so make sure you hear this. Take some notes, you may want to listen more than once. Here we go. The third thing that people ignore and then regret later,
don't message chronically. People do that all the time. Don't do it. I know, I know, it's easy to do. It's exciting. It gives you all the chemicals. It gives you the dopamine.
Okay, I get it. But what I've seen over and over again is that it's not a good start to a long -term, healthy, loving relationship. Don't message chronically.
It's super low effort from the start, from both of you. It can set the stage for assumed intimacy. For instance, in Morning beautiful. It can set the stage for toxic love bombing.
People can easily play characters or roles instead of being themselves. You don't even know who they are. And you're not planning on having a relationship based mostly on messaging, are you? So why in the world would you set the tone with messaging?
How should people respond to terms of endearment early on? Remember that viral video that I had about someone being told good morning, beautiful. - Oh yeah.
- I don't know, I had like a million and a half or two million views. And in the comments, there was so much hurt and so much regret from people who allowed that. There were hundreds and hundreds,
maybe thousands of them. And I remember less than a handful of people said, it didn't turn out to be a problem for them. - But they had the exception to the rule. Oh yeah,
a rare exception. I think when people are messaging you in the morning or before bed and using pet names and such, you can say, I'm not comfortable with pet names.
Good morning, good night messaging until I really get to know someone or you can say, until I'm in a committed relationship with them or until I have some commitment with them.
So you just tell them that. You say, I hope you can respect that. Now, here's the telling part. Some don't. Some don't respect it. So that's a great way of filtering the "no" people out.
So that's a good thing. It may not feel like happy and wonderful and give you a shot in the arm, but it's wonderful. It's great. You dodge a bullet. Those that do respect it have now shown you a lovely green flag.
Yeah. What do you just instead of messaging though during the dating process. - That's a good question. I wish more people would ask that. When you're getting to know someone, it's scandalous and controversial.
I know it's horrifyingly scary. Talk to them. What a concept. Either on the phone, on video, or on dates. You've got a number of choices.
Only text to set up a time to talk and thank them afterwards. So you're setting up a time and place or whatever and thanking them afterwards for the first month or two even,
maybe even a little bit more, but at least for the first month or two. I understand. I get it. I get it. That may not feel convenient for some, but do you want the convenience upfront that causes the heartache and devastation later?
Think about that. Yeah. Really know the three lists that you're working from the three lists that we went over. Go with that intention, but be open to the experience, the adventure, instead of obsessing on it.
They will like you or focusing on that thrill, which is again, just chemicals. Be mindful, have intention, have purpose. Don't be messaging.
And the fourth mistake people make when dating? Idealizing the person you are dating. This for emphasizing everything they seem to do differently than your ex.
I've heard from literally thousands of people who projected what they wanted on to the person they were feeling chemistry with, attracted to, and they fell for that ideal concept versus the actual person.
They missed that part, who that person actually was. Sometimes people don't realize that they've done this until months or years later. I know this 'cause I talk to these people all the time.
- You're kidding. - No. - Months and years later? - Yeah, months and years later. Okay, on the live I did the other day, somebody said, "I fell in love with something that I made up that I idealized in my head 32 years ago." - Oh my gosh.
- It's been 32 years. And there's been kids and family, I mean, yeah. So keep your eyes open buying into being objective not buying into a fantasy I can't underline that more.
Maybe that should be the one takeaway from this podcast Example those people who want a partner who leads in the relationship like the leader Don't attribute leadership to them just because they're willful and know what they want Because that happens.
I've heard about it tens of thousands of times The person often ends up being domineering and selfish. I hear about this more than I hear about people having healthy leader follower dynamic relationships.
This can also create abusive situations. And don't idealize them as having their shit together and doing their healing work if they're in therapy. You can be in therapy for years and not have any therapy goals met.
- I can say something about that. I've heard this before and personally have done that in therapy for years and just sat and visited with a therapist. Yeah, they'll take your money. They'll spend the time and not much happens.
Now, that's for some therapists. You know, some people just sit and have their therapists catch up on their lives. And sure, there are, I want to underline, there are some great therapists out there. They'll go and they'll help you with just life change,
transformation, amazing things in your life. They are heroes, but therapy is not to visit. Going to therapy can also be used to be harmful in a number of ways, I'll tell you one. I've had clients whose partners have manipulated their therapist and used triangulation to control their partners.
Literally using what their therapist said to get their way, my therapist says this, my therapist says, this can happen with coaching just as much or even more. My coach said this, my therapist said this,
to try to get their way, to try to get some kind of control. A lot of times it's manipulative. So someone who seems like a great prospect because they're in therapy, they may be using that to be predatory.
You don't know. I have had clients who've had partners tell them that they're bipolar because their therapist agrees. In the meantime, the person who's telling them that is absolutely controlling the person who they say is bipolar.
And it turns out they weren't. Really bad stuff can happen from this. If you want to find out about if they're doing their work, ask them about how they're doing with their therapy goals.
Let's say over the last six months to a year, we're coaching. Tell me how you're doing with your therapy goals or your coaching goals. In the last six months to a year, What kind of progress have you been able to make? What goals have you been able to reach?
Yeah, when I say therapy goals or coaching goals, people just go blank because they think they're supposed to go in and sit and visit. Not all the time, but sometimes the therapists go right along with that. So that's another thing to find someone to work with that's a good fit,
because there's a lot of good people out there that will help you. Ask if they're open to talking about their emotions with someone they're dating. Can also do that. Like you're not asking them to trauma dump,
right? But to see if they're emotionally available. Ask if they have a partner in the past who was emotionally deep or who was really openly emotional and see what their response is to that.
If it sounds respectful like they can handle that, something that's meaningful and valuable to them. So you want to ask what those things look like if they tell you that they're working on themselves if they tell you yes emotionally they can talk about their feelings with someone they're like again clarifying questions ask the probing questions please don't leave those out because that's we're going to get a lot of your
information so don't idealize your date i can't warn enough about this one i can relate to that what an important point now you can relate to that can't you yeah a lot of people can I've seen this come from backgrounds of unhealed,
complex trauma, people unconsciously attracting the same type of dynamic with someone that they are familiar with. It begins with the opposite effect, creating an ideal of someone and initially looking for things to think it's different this time.
They're different when it turns out being the same dynamic you had with your ex or worse. People can also create an ideal of you, look out for this as well, because we did have that as an answer to question number one a few times.
People saying, well, people are just looking at, you know, they're objectifying me or they're kind of creating an ideal of me and they're not really seeing who I am. So there's that as well. What else should people keep in mind during the dating process?
Again, this is preemptive. I suggest that before you start dating, be proactive and intentional, not the opposite. Take a moment to reflect on the question.
What kind of partner am I? Now you don't wanna do this like the night you're going out, right? You wanna do this when you're doing your work. What kind of partner am I? If you are looking for a great ideal partner,
are you one? Are you a partner who always wants to be understood but don't bring that intense energy of understanding your partner's feelings, experiences or concerns? Do you always wanna justify and rationalize the behavior of your partner?
Or is there a healthy balance between understanding for both of you? Are you committed to your growth and healing process? Are you committed? I just talked about the other people being committed,
right? I strongly suggest that you are committed to it just in the name of quality of life. Seriously, you have a better chance of having a healthy relationship if you are committed to our own growth and development,
period. You have a better chance of being open, being empathetic, being responsible to you and your partner, growing as a human being. Another thing strongly suggested,
and we just talked about this, remember to ask your date. Are you committed to your healing and growth process in life? Again, not just in therapy. Then if they say they are, ask about that.
What does that mean to them? If they aren't, that may be a liability. Think about that being a liability. So if they kind of like shrug that off, if they go, "Yeah, yeah, yeah." They don't tell you very much.
You ask a probing question and ask about it, and you don't get very much. Look at that seriously as a red flag, because it just may not be worth it for you. Now,
some people get into relationships and make it so exciting in the beginning, and they think people will put up with all of their shit, they expect their partner to put up with a lack of intimacy, their temper, lack of emotional connection.
They stop being able to tolerate these things after time. And I will say this straight out, people leave. I have helped many,
many, many people leave their unhealthy relationships. Wow. Can you talk more about the three top issues from the answers to your online poll from the first question,
which was what has been an unhealthy pattern in your relationship? Thank you for reminding me. The first one, conflict avoidance is literally that. You have a tendency to avoid conflict, even if you have a want,
need, concern, or something that is important to you that you should share with your partner that may or may not have to do with something in your relationship. This happens a lot involved,
for many of them as well, because they hide their thoughts and feelings, keeping them inside. They don't want to be rejected. They don't want to be judged. They don't want to be attacked. If you are run by shame, your relationship will be impacted by that,
I guarantee you. We can do an entire episode on shame, guys. Now, I'd like you to do an exercise with me, those listening. Imagine that you're holding a pen up in the on late.
And if you have a pen or anything shaped like it, go ahead and do that. On one end of the pen, that's where you're tolerating a lot from your partner. Okay, that's what that represents, that area. You're hinting,
you're maybe being passive -aggressive, right? You are doing a lot of waiting to get what you need from your partner and to feel heard by them, to be addressed. When you get so tired of being on that end,
tolerating. You jump zero to 60 to the other end of the pen where you either blow up or shut down. Then you feel like the bad guy.
Then you can get treated like it's your fault or there's something wrong with you. What happened? Well, what happened was you completely bypassed the middle area of the pen and this Part is called,
well, by some people, they call it difficult conversations. That's what people call it, who are conflict avoidant. I call it important conversation. - Like that, I like the important,
I like that. - Right, so you have to learn to be safe in the middle part. You are responsible to get situations and relationships and have communication where you are able to be in the middle part and feel safe.
We're able to talk in that important conversations area. And much of your communication lives there. There is often emotional regulation and nervous system regulation work to do when you're suffering from conflict avoidance.
Keep in mind, I can come on strong when I'm giving input, when I'm explaining things, when I'm coaching. It's always kindly, right? But I really put my heart into it.
But when you are having those important conversations, you don't have to speak up loudly or abruptly. But your voice should be heard. You can be kind. You can be polite.
You can be thoughtful. So people who care about you want to know and need to know. Keep that in mind. Don't worry about hurting someone. People rarely get hurt from your truth, especially if it's said kindly and respectfully.
Maybe it will smart for a minute, it could, but they can learn and grow from it. It's good they've learned something about you, maybe it'll help them with something about them. And it's not for you to interfere in their path worrying about if they're gonna hurt,
learn, grow. It's up to them. It's up to them. If someone doesn't like what you share, doesn't like your truth, and they can't accept it, it may be because they may not benefit from you taking control of your life,
and you should. So adjust where those people are, like adjust them in your life accordingly. Some people, I tell them, either cut them off or hold them at arm's length. That's something that you have to make adjustments with.
The next recurring issue in relationships was codependence. And that's in balanced dysfunctional relationships where one person enables another person's unhealthy or self -destructive behavior,
such as addiction, it could be poor mental health, it could even be immaturity or irresponsibility, any of that. When you're codepending someone, it may involve high self -sacrifice,
that's a great imbalance there. It may involve too much focus on others' needs, so you're not focusing on yours. Suppressions of your own emotions, attempts to take control or fix other people's problems.
Oh, we've never heard of for. Yeah, right? Odependence is a dance where one partner continues unhealthy behavior, even though their partner may voice that they aren't happy with it,
they keep putting up with it. This is enabling. And they keep supporting this dysfunctional cycle. So it takes two. This is also something that happens to a lot of us early on with early trauma,
just trying to keep the peace or trying to fix people, fix things for people. It's not our job. They need to be responsible for themselves. And you're not a child in that situation anymore.
You are your own caregiver as an adult. Don't put up with people's chronic crap. People say they don't want to stop helping them. You're not helping. They don't change.
So when you say, well, if I don't help them, you're not, you're just supporting that cycle, which is hurting both of you. And when you're concerned about whether you're going to hurt someone, you may be hurting them more because you're keeping them from reaching their bottom and feeling the need to change.
So we can do a whole episode on that. The third common issue is boundaries. And I just said the word and some of you may have just shut right off or made associated people associate negative things about boundaries.
And I get it. I absolutely get it. So here's why. The reason that you may have just gotten disinterested in this podcast or the reason that may have felt uncomfortable hearing the word boundary,
it either felt uncomfortable or you chose to ignore it. The simple reason is that people often associate boundaries with fear. I have an example of that. I believe that a submissive partner or supportive partner feels like if they tell someone their boundaries,
it's going to be like they're bossing them around. - Yeah, and you're talking about a dynamic that a lot of people have because that's their relationship orientation. It's being the leader or the follower in the relationship.
And that's one of my specialties as well. And a lot of people won't speak up as the submissive partner, like you're saying. Some of the reasons that submissive partners won't speak up and won't put their boundaries down and like really make sure they get what they need is because they're afraid of being disapproved of by their partner or they're afraid of damaging the leader follower dynamic.
People don't realize that the leader needs to know in order to make the best decisions. So you're really obligated to let your partner know in really in any relationship you are. And in truth,
boundaries help us have and maintain rewarding connection, rewarding connection without the resentment or the avoidance. So it's even healthier,
better, stronger connection. Boundaries are amazing. They're also what you do for yourself, not what you're setting for someone else to do. Boundaries can be expressed kindly and should be respected.
Again, Don't use them to manipulate. Use them to be able to have a healthy connection with your partner. Now a key takeaway about boundaries. This would be the second takeaway that I hope that you have.
The more you associate them with goodness, the more you'll value them and you'll be compelled to use them. The reason you don't use boundaries is because you associate them with pain and discomfort.
The more you associate them with pleasure and comfort, the more you'll value them, the more you'll want to use them, the more you will use them, the better you'll get at them. And this is coming from what I've learned working with the mind with hypnosis and other tools I've used,
working with people who are recovering from addiction, helping people to create new habits. It's that association games, what I call it. So you associate boundaries with joy,
with connection, with understanding, with love, with security, and you'll use them. So using boundaries may take some help from an experienced professional.
Boundaries are often misunderstood and people don't realize how easy the structure of a boundary actually is. These three issues may take some work, but they are worth your hard work and consistency with them.
Again, find someone to work with if these are issues for you to work on. And try to do this before you date, as best case scenario. Outsourcing is one of the best things I've done for myself personally.
And with clients, I hear them, I provide an outside view, alternative ways of looking at themselves and their situations, and help to remove blocks such as shame, so we can make a plan and help with accountability in ways that actually work for them and create the change in transformation.
So, this is doable. Now, I've just covered the three items in question one, and I hope this helps. So, please listen to future podcasts to find out the answers to questions two and three.
Yes. There's so much more to talk about in regards to relationships, and we do intend to cover lots more in future episodes. But remember, in a relationship, there are two individuals. The relationship itself is not you and me,
it's us. If you want to work with me, check my resources in the link to have an introductory call. Also, the empowered, sensitive membership is available now for you to get my help and resources to get unstuck and take your life to another level.
How much longer do you want to wait? And reminder, you don't have to wait for everything to be perfectly lined up in your life to start doing your personal work. So check out my resources and see how I can help you.
So thank you guys for listening. Again, it would mean a lot to us if you would subscribe and rate and share this podcast so it can get out to as many people as possible. We thank you for your support and for listening to another episode of Sensitive with an Edge.
Come on over and listen next time. - Thanks for joining us. We will see you all next time. - Or You can just hear us. Bye -bye. Sensitive with an Edge is a podcast created by Chris M.
Lyon for highly sensitive people seeking relatable and practical insights. While the content is designed to be informative and supportive, it is not intended as medical or clinical advice.
Listeners are encouraged to determine their own sensitivity level and consult with a healthcare professional if needed. Use and opinions expressed in this podcast are based on the knowledge and experience of the host and guests and do not necessarily reflect those of any affiliated organizations or individuals.
