Welcome to Sensitive with an Edge for highly sensitive people who embrace their intensity, uniqueness, and value in this world. Join us on the exploration of relationships,
complex trauma recovery, non -conventional mindsets, neurodiversity, and themes that involve healing, growth, and empowerment. This is Chris.
This is part one of an eye -opening relationship series that has been in high demand. I share things that I have found out about relationships for sensitive people throughout my work over nearly a quarter of a century as a coach,
facilitator, creator, and author who has passionately helped people work on their relationships. Now, some of this will give you aha moments. The past may make more sense.
You may be alerted to what you need to change. And some of it will just be valuable reminders, but you've got to hear this. So remember to make some notes. You may want to listen more than once,
and here we go. Welcome to another episode of the podcast that you can binge on without feeling guilty, empty or sore. We'll be talking from my experience about two things that can backfire for you if you don't date mindfully.
The three themes of unhealthy patterns in relationships, four things not to do when you're dating and more. Also, what to change about your dating that makes all of the difference. For those of you who are in a relationship and not dating,
this can still be helpful to you as you look back at patterns that got you where you are. I'm Chris Lyon, personal and executive coach, relationship author, board -certified hypnotist,
certified in applied neuroscience and brain health. I'm here with my wonderful right -hand person, my amazing co -host, Robin McCarron. Hey, Robin. Hi. Hi,
Chris. Nice to be back. We're excited. Today's the day. We're doing relationships here for highly sensitive people, including those of you who have complex trauma.
Now, remember sensitive with an edge is a very unique specialized podcast, but it can also be relatable to one out of every three or four people. So make sure that when you subscribe,
you also rate the podcast, which pushes it forward to more people. And you share the link to this podcast on your social media and with your friends and loved ones who may relate. We would appreciate that and we get out to a lot more people.
So this is one of my favorite things to talk about and also a big specialty in my work. And I wanna make real clear that I'm going to speak from my experience. So I'll just give you a little rundown of that.
I've had the honor of working with clients for 24 years. And I've heard and sat with them as they go through struggles and victories in their relationships at every level you can think of.
I've helped them through those places to get to a better place, from helping them save their relationships from crisis to helping them recover from toxic relationship devastation. And yes,
this has been from the yelling to the crying. And I have been blessed enough to be in those moments that the couple was hanging by a thread. And they had that magic moment of connection again.
It's just amazing to see. Or when someone realizes that it's time. It's time to take care of themselves and move on from a relationship or into dating again.
So all of those things have been very, very fulfilling for me and I've been cheering people on. I've had a ton of experience with it. And as a relationship author, people have also told me their stories about their relationships from all over the world.
That is amazing. And you've also been on podcasts, TV, and articles talking about this important subject. Yes, I've talked a lot about it, including on a lot of live streams where some of you may have participated.
I'm also sharing as a highly sensitive person with complex trauma who is in a happy relationship of almost 11 years. So let's get started. Quick general statement about relationships.
It doesn't matter what you've been through or how sensitive you are you deserve to love and be loved Most all of us want connection with others And you know,
it's a short life that is yours to do what you choose to do with it. Remember there eight billion people in this world Eight billion right. That's a lot That's a lot,
because I remember that one billion seconds equals 32 years. Wow. There you go. I don't know that. I've had clients tell me that they think they're too old to find love.
Somewhere almost 40. Somewhere in their 70s or 80s. And they found it. Yes, I've heard from testimonials given. It's amazing what you've done with people of all ages.
Well, when When the mindset changes, then you see your reality in a completely different way. You can actually get yourself to see that, "Yes, I can have that love, I'm going to go find it." Or you can actually make it your reality by saying,
"Yeah, I'm too old, I won't find it." It's really a choice. It's a choice. Personally, for me, interesting fact, the people who I've dated since 31 have all been found online.
So I found them all where they found me online and what I found out about this is shocking. I found out that the same kind of people who are online are also offline.
It's the same people. So don't be daunted by online dating. Dating online can provide more filters for compatibility. Now recently I took an informal poll in both of my Facebook groups and on a few of my live streams.
So this was at least several thousand people who were asked the following three questions. What has been an unhealthy pattern in your relationships? Number two, what do you need that you haven't been getting in relationships?
Number three, what can you change that will help you have better relationships? Okay. The answers reflected the same themes that I've heard over and over through the years from my clients,
followers, and readers. We're going to tell you some of the answers to the first question, which was what has been an unhealthy pattern in your relationships? You want to read one? Yes. Yes.
Taking responsibility for their emotions and changing my actions to avoid their emotional reaction. Okay. - Another answer is codependent. - Another one is seeking the love and validation I didn't receive as a child.
- And another answer, my defensiveness and trauma response is taking over rather than coping correctly. - I like this answer. I was a people pleaser. - Mm -hmm, yes indeed. We got a number of those.
There's another one they cheat and I take them back. - This is a good one. Walking on eggshells, catering to partners needs avoiding big discussions or making changes.
Okay. And then another one is drinking to fighting. Now I asked them about this cause it was on a live and they said that both of them would be drinking to the point where they would both fight.
Oh, that makes sense. Bouts over and over constantly. Another good answer. In the past, I picked emotionally unavailable partners. Oh yeah,
we got a lot of that. Another one, I choose selfish and controlling partners. And allowing love to be an excuse to push past my set boundaries over and over.
Yeah, and my unhealthy pattern is to fall hard and fast when someone pays more than a passing fancy to me. Casual verbal flirting doesn't work on me, but add physical touch to pull me in and it's over.
I'm committed until the crash and burn. - Another answer was projecting my sense of insecurity. - So that gives you an idea of some of the questions that we got. We're going to focus on this one question in this episode.
There are three main themes that I see recurring in the answers to this question and in the situations with my clients over the years. One,
conflict avoidance. Not making sure your voice is heard, your needs are met, your concerns are addressed. This sets the stage for negligent and abusive relationships. Number two, codependence.
No surprise there, right? No. Inbalanced relationships where one person is really taking a lot of the responsibility for trying to keep things okay and trying to fix things and really just enabling the unhealthy behavior that could even be abusive.
The third thing is unhealthy boundaries. It's interesting that, and it may make sense to you that all three can be related to each other. So remind me to unpack those in a bit later on.
- I definitely will. - Okay, so I'm going to suggest something surprising that I don't hear anyone else talk about. If it's not mind -blowing, it's at least eye -opening. The way some HSPs,
and especially those with complex trauma, date often involves these same three issues that come up in relationships. So I mean, in their dating process,
there is also conflict avoidance and /or codependence and /or unhealthy boundaries. So let's talk about dating. If you are in a relationship, And this may help you look back and learn something about why you are where you are now.
And it can be very helpful to you. So I like to call dating, vetting. I like to think of it that way. And there's a surprise dating concept that's true.
The way you date is the biggest determining factor for who you will choose, the tone you will set and how your relationship will go for you. you. That makes sense. This is not something to be careless with.
It comes down to how much you depend on and trust yourself when going into the dating process. If you don't trust yourself, two things will likely happen. I'm looking forward to hearing these two things.
Number one, you'll default to previous habits that didn't serve you, which can include one or all of the three issues that we've been listening, right, or you will let the other person take over your dating process.
They are not qualified to lead as they don't know you, and they may or may not care enough to know you. Why let them determine your process of due diligence if it's so important for your future?
Now, this is also for our jaded folks out there going the opposite route to not allow yourself to trust others, not willing to let the other person earn their trust. This is someone who would look for or anticipate negative things about the other person.
It's also the case that this person does not trust themselves to guide and direct them in the dating process. What do you do if you can't trust yourself going into this dating process?
My answer is the number one advice that people ignore when I tell it to them. Don't date until you do. - Well, it's simple, but true.
- Yeah, if you don't trust yourself to guide your dating process, you probably should not be dating. Yeah, there's that. There is some processing, healing, which may include trauma recovery,
boundary and manifestation work to do that could put you in a much better position to search for your ideal life partner. I tell people take time out with no dating apps.
Don't look and see what's going on. No dating apps. No seeing what's out there. If you can take that time, you can already stand being alone with yourself. And if you take that time to work on you in a dedicated way,
you will not only upgrade yourself, but you'll be particular enough to find your upgraded partner. I've seen this work over and over and I've seen it not work when people don't take the time and they don't trust themselves.
So definitely take that time to work on you. Go find someone to work with and make yourself the priority. You are your caregiver. Be the caregiver that you've needed. That is great advice to trust yourself more before you date.
How can you learn to trust yourself more than. - Okay, I'll tell you and keep in mind, again, these are the things that people tend to bypass and not prioritize, and then later they're hurting.
It's all about building self -confidence, being your responsible caregiver. So number one, you learn to and you develop the habit of keeping your word to yourself.
Keep your own word, Right? You promise yourself something. You tell yourself you're going to do something, do it. Keep the boundaries that you set for yourself. Number two,
people are surprised about this, but it's still something else they put off quite often. Self -care. A lot of people put off this self -care and go out and look out externally. So, it doesn't work real well that way.
So, take care of yourself. Commit to an ongoing growth and healing process. Work on any chronic self -sabotage. Work on your regulation,
which would be emotional regulation or nervous system regulation. Are you able to be a calm, empathetic, regulated partner? Not if you're consistently putting yourself down,
sabotaging yourself and have little to no confidence and you're treating yourself wrong, right? We can do a whole episode on this, but those are the first two things to start with and make sure that you get good at.
Just take the time to do it. Take a month, two, three, a few months, four or five months to get these down. And when you take care of yourself, when you do the self -care, it's a command to your unconscious mind that you are to be taken good care of.
You can imagine that if that happens over and over and gets reinforced over and over into your unconscious mind, you are going to be attracting differently.
- That makes so much sense. When it's time to date, what do you recommend that people don't do? - Okay, so I've seen enough to know that for best chances,
right, to find your ideal person, there are four mistakes that people do and pay for later when dating, or four things that you do not want to do when dating.
Number one is don't have the anxious low -confidence mindset of, "Are they going to like me? Do they like me? I hope they like me." Don't prepare for your date or go into that date with that mindset.
People don't realize that there's all kinds of bad things that are attached to that, but one of them is you've already started idealizing your date. Ooh, That makes sense. What mindset do you suggest?
Go on a first date to determine whether you want a second date. Also, keep in mind the three lists of intention that you're working from. And I'll go over those in a bit, but be open to the experience,
the adventure. When I tell people, "Make it an adventure," they completely shut me out. And instead, they obsess on if the person will like you. They're focusing on that thrill,
which is just chemicals, not confirmation, right? And it's not necessarily sustainable. You can think about a lot of people who had great chemistry with someone and it ends up in tragedy, right? I tell people all the time to make it an adventure and remember the focus with dating should be more about confirmation of compatibility rather than dependence on chemistry.
And I say to set three small goals. I'm going to enjoy Myself sounds like part of an adventure. I'm going to learn something about me And I'm going to learn something about the world That's so much better to do than being anxious and like unsure about your date Yeah,
like oh no like going in with your deer and a headlights type thing exactly if you set those three goals for that one date You're ready to go on fantastic That also helps build the muscles of dating with intention as well And number two,
and this plays right into this, number two is don't date with a casual mindset, being passive with your dating process. I've had a lot of people tell me, well, I just wanted to see who was out there or I'll just go see who's there,
poke around and see what happens. They leave it to chance, whatever happens. And this is also related to letting the other person take over your vetting process. Now,
I noticed that a lot of people go in with this casual passive mindset when they're vulnerable, when they've been hurt, and they haven't done the healing and growth to attract differently or really process their past relationships.
It's not a good recipe. Don't do that because that's you going out there not taking control of your dating process. I mean, come on. That increases the risk of things that you're not going to like,
you know, you're not going to appreciate the outcome. Can you tell us more about that not a good recipe part? Yeah, this is a passive approach to a process that can have lifelong consequences and rewards with your love life,
not being aware of your wants, needs, and goals, and what you will not allow in your life, not going into it intentionally and with a purpose. That's advice for people looking for a serious relationship,
right? Yeah. That's a good point. You have to think about what is your purpose? Are you going to make friends? Then you need to be clear about it and only be going for that. If you're saying,
"Oh, I just want to go make some friends," but you really, really want a serious relationship and you're going for that instead, don't lie to yourself. That's not going to make clarity with someone else.
Get real about it. Don't say making friends really wanting a relationship You'll have more of a chance of finding people who are not aligned and who may not be ready for a relationship if you're doing that So here's what I suggest for everyone to do really long before you go into the dating process.
Okay? You want to make three lists? List number one is what you have to offer in a relationship What you have to offer your partner.
Now, a lot of people get stuck on this. I don't know. I'm not sure. I'm really struggling with that And I tell them okay. I suggest you don't go date. I Suggest this is part of the work you need to do for you,
right? Because I've worked with them for a while. I already know a bunch of stuff they can put on their list If they aren't clear on what they have to offer in a relationship It's not a good start and it's not going to help them attract what they're really needing.
They'll probably get into a not a great relationship if they go without mindset, right? I've seen a lot of that, enough of it, right? So the first list is very important that you're really sure about what you have to offer.
The second list is what you're looking for in your relationship with your partner. Not that they're a certain height or they have a certain color of eyes. It's what you want to experience with them. So make a list of it.
These are lists that you want it to be really clear on. They're tangible. The third one is what I call the no -no list. It's your really hard limits list. It's something that you don't want in your life. Maybe been there,
done there, have the t -shirt type of list. No, it's a no. And this is a list. So all three lists are very, very separate. They're very, very different, but they go together very well. Make sure that you're very clear on them.
They're something tangible that you have. You have easy access to them. You have them in your head, right? They show you where you have work to do. A lot of people are like, "Well,
I don't know the things I don't want or won't have. Boundary stuff." You know, things like that. So make those lists. And once you've been able to make three healthy lists, you're in a good place. They will be your intention that you put out there to attract and manifest your future with someone.
They will be something tangible for you to use for your profiles, for your dating conversations, to remember really where you're coming from when you're going out there meeting people. This is the core of dating responsibly and with intention and purpose.
Also, you should be giving information to someone based on these lists and asking questions. And then you ask more clarifying questions when you do get your answers.
Ask, for example, what that looks like. Can you tell me more? Now, I'm going to tell you, when I worked in market research when I was really young, one of my first jobs, they had us ask clarifying questions.
And those questions were, what else? Can you tell me more? What other types? That's where we got most of our information. That's where the client got most of the information in the market research by asking the clarifying questions.
So you've really got to be present to do that, instead of just asking a question and then skipping over it and going, "Okay, what else?" So you ask them a question and you say, "Oh, can you tell me more about that?" And be present and listen,
you'll find out a lot more. Now, when people refrain from doing this, later I hear, "Oh, if only I asked more about this," or I just ask them things, you know,
and ask them more. So, take the time and space to observe their actions and behavior amongst your questions. I'd like to say again that with the dating, don't put the chemistry first.
This has been part one of the Sensitive with an Edge relationship series. Make sure you hear the next episode, they're released every other Friday. And if you want to work with me, check the links for my resources.
You can get an introductory call with me to see how I can help. Also, the empowered sensitive membership is available now to get my help and resources for getting unstuck and taking your life to another level.
Think about it, how much longer do you want to wait? And here's a reminder, you don't have to wait for everything to be perfectly lined up in your life to start doing your personal work.
So check out my resources and see how I can help you. We want to continue doing this short cast, Sensitive With an Edge, and it would mean a lot if you would subscribe and rate this unique podcast so it can get out to as many people as possible.
Thank you again for your support and for listening to another episode of Sensitive With an Edge. - Sensitive With an Edge is a podcast created by Chris M.
Lyon for highly sensitive people seeking relatable and practical insights. While the content is designed to be informative and supportive, it is not intended as medical or clinical advice.
Listeners are encouraged to determine their own sensitivity level and consult with a healthcare professional if needed. Use and opinions expressed in this podcast are based on the knowledge and experience of the host and guests and do not necessarily reflect those of any affiliated organizations or individuals.
